DEFINE HAPPINESS

 

DEFINE HAPPINESS

Life’s road travelled is not always chosen or avoidable.

As an author, a student of philosophy, history and the humanities I am sometimes drawn to a subject often ignored or taken for granted; yet they are important to most people.  Happiness has to be near the top!  How many Happy Birthday cards do you purchase?  Celebratory cards galore.  But instead of glossing over the usual rather superficial gestures I will make it a bit more personal.  How you feel is important.  Are you happy?  What makes you happy?  It is important enough to have found its way into the American Constitution: the pursuit of happiness.

The personal.

“Are you happy?”  “Am I making you happy?”  “Why can’t you be happy?  “Be happy.”  Do we ever sit down and think about it?  Contemplate happiness, or what it means in our lives?  Are we as blasé about happy and happiness as we are about all the “I love you” endearments that flow from our lips with such ease?  We say stuff, but do we really mean it?  Is happy something you really want?  Desire?

Look at all the different connotations in daily use that apply to happy or happiness, the celebratory comments, the best wishes.  If I were to ask you point blank, “Are you happy?”  Or, “What makes you happy?”  I don’t think I would get two similar answers.  As a philosopher and a humanitarian I am going to take a stab at defining happiness.  Bear in mind that philosophy is a discipline and it deals in facts and what can be proven.  It tends to get a bit esoteric when we delve into what makes humans tick or when we try to interpret an aspect of humanity . . . happiness is apparently one of them . . .  or attempt to define what makes us human (most of the time as in different from other lifeforms).  We’re so superior!

Let’s see what sticks.

My approach to this topic is throwing a whole bunch of ideas, observations and suppositions pertaining to happy at that proverbial wall and see what sticks!  Let’s see if we can come to a conclusion that is hopefully satisfying.  And I will purposely stay away from everything that makes us unhappy.  At least I will try.  It is also possible that your ideas of happiness are miles apart from mine.  There is always room for an interesting dialogue!

Where do you start?  I am a copious note taker and each year I go through nearly a half dozen notebooks (200 pages each).  It’s not quite like throwing shit at a wall and see what sticks, but it comes close.  I use them as a guide and as I’m writing I add, reject, change and then I edit and edit, until I’m satisfied that it vaguely resembles my thoughts and assumptions.  Trust me, I do weed and throw stuff out.  But it is all about getting those brain juices flowing and what you get is original and all mine.  AI is for people with no imagination and who rely on other people’s thoughts.  Well, if you use mine, I’ll be flattered.

Where do you even start?  How about starting at birth?  Where you are born, who your parents were; all are factors that define your start in life.  The social strata they move in, skin color and overall wellbeing, their financial status, occupation, health.  And we can’t ignore the overall family dynamics.  All and more will have an impact on defining who you are and how you mature.  How you develop is enormously important and to paraphrase one of my favorite sayings.  Life is a crapshoot from start to finish.  Our existence is finite and fragile and we have little or no control about all the things that take place around us.  Another fine example of Energy & Origin.

Talent, interests, expectations, aptitude, discipline, motivation.

Wow!  I think we’re getting closer to all the hurdles all of us face when growing up and maturing.  The road ahead for most of us is not paved with opportunities and lofty promises.  Let’s start with education.  We usually realize how important a good education is when it’s too late.  When you’re involved in the process, the daily attendance, the smelly sneakers, damp clothes, crowded classrooms, a certain level of resistance, boredom and distraction is almost a given.  You want so many things and you’re really not capable of making adult, responsible decisions.  We’re easily distracted and that impacts heavily on any personal resolve and perseverance.

The unexpected?

Now we’re talking coincidence and happenstance.  Who do you meet and what is their impact.  Positive or negative.  Good friends or ones that steer you towards a life of crime.  There are a lot of bad things out there and once you steer in the wrong direction it is easy to get lost and extremely difficult to find your way back.  We’re not a forgiving creature and second chances have to be earned.

The environment you grow up in will leave an indelible stamp.  I grew up in a small farming community, sheltered, protected and fortunate enough to hook up with lifelong friends.  Good people.  All of them.  Your start in life is so important.  Stability, security, family, friends, jobs.  We can’t lose sight either of where you are born or under what circumstance.    I can’t imagine what it would be like to be born black, in the Sudan, stuck in a refugee camp and exposed to daily deprivation and violence.  The times we grow up in play a factor as well.  My parents lived through two horrendous world wars, the great depression and the marvelous resurrection of the prosperity of the 50s and onwards.  In this day and age we’re exposed to more change than in all previous centuries combined.

Exposure.

What we’re exposed to on a daily basis has an impact and if you feel like a ball that constantly gets tossed around, it will leave little time for a respite, for reflection, for taking a step back and taking stock of your life.

Nothing is ever simple.

So, when I ask you the question, “Are you happy?” it is not a matter of a simple yes or no.  The same applies to unhappiness.

How are you dealing physically and psychologically with your life’s choices and circumstances?  How are you coping with stress, misfortune, loss, setbacks and failure?

Who are you sharing your life with?

We all thrive within healthy relationships.  With our families, partners and the community we live and work in.  Those relationships can be affected by a number of things.  It is not easy to accept yourself for who and what you are.  Self-acceptance is a hard sell for many and how often do we look back and reflect on our lives with an honest degree of introspection.  Defining the health, depth, duration and stability of your relationships takes courage.  Do you float along on the currents of life or do you actively pursue positive changes.  What we desire and what we aspire to are two different things.  How realistic are our expectations and how realistic are we about the efforts we put in?

We are what we are.

It is not easy to leave your station in life and most of us remain firmly stuck in familiar territory, daunted by the challenges and setbacks and the realization that nothing comes easy.  Challenges can be physical, mental and cultural and for some a faith-based upbringing can put a damper on spreading your wings and trying new things.  We all come with baggage and nothing in life is guaranteed.  Especially as a writer I know that life is not a bed of roses and it most definitely doesn’t come with certainties or a guaranteed success.

We can start by accepting the simple fact that life is fragile and the road ahead is not guaranteed for anyone.  Concentrate on what you can control, not on what you cannot.  Instead of obsessing about anything and everything, learn to turn off and cruise on neutral for a while.  Taking a breather.  A pause.  Reading does it for me.  Just me and a book.  Taking a step back.  Enjoy the little things like walking, cycling, any kind of sport that veers your mind away from anything that annoys and obstructs.  Appreciate your family and friends.  Nature.

Perfection is nothing but a curse.

Perfection for instance is the worst thing you can strive for and it usually has the opposite effect: leading to disappointment, frustration, resentment and even anger.  As I am ageing I have to accept my physical limitations and that I can no longer do the things I used to do without effort or having to think about it.  That doesn’t work anymore. 

In the 1990s I watched a beautiful program on TV that featured a sociologist who wrote a book about expectations and how society is growing out of whack because of unrealistic expectations.  She used sex as an example.  And that the expectation of all sex acts to end in a mutually gratifying fabulous orgasm is a marvelous example of how unrealistic expectations have become.  Her chosen example is not without merit because it contains all the elements of life and what many of us expect.  As if it is a given.  Something expected as in demanded.  When in reality life is about acceptance and the simple fact that life is about the good and the bad and everything in between.

Sometimes age has its advantages.

When you have lived a while you realize that the importance in a relationship is not about the perfect sex, but that it is about comfort, respect, friendship, resilience and trust.  That home is where the heart is.  Walking through your door and feeling welcomed by peace and a sense of belonging.  In other words, something that lasts a little longer than the sex act itself.  And my thoughts at the time, yes; a pause is indeed needed between erections.  You can’t be constantly aroused, upbeat, dancing through life and pretending it is one great party.  Highs and lows.  You can’t appreciate the highs if you have never experienced the lows.  Reality is that life seesaws between the mundane and boring repetitive tasks we have to engage in on a daily basis, and yes, we look forward to those rare exciting and rewarding moments to add a spark.  A little diversion from the expected and ordinary.

I am probably leaving you with more questions than answers.

Don’t put yourself on a treadmill of unrealistic expectations.  Learn to appreciate moments of silence and contemplation, quietly reflecting on life.  Be the answer.  Your life.  Your choices.  Be well.

Feel free to comment or share.  Tell me about what defines your happiness.  And if you have found inspiration in my words, then I have done my job as a writer.  I hope that I didn’t leave you unhappy!